An Unexpected Book Launch

surrender the fruits of your creative work

🎧 This post contains an audio version with me, Kelly, as the narrator (see above). Choose the medium that excites you the most.

One does not simply publish a book and immediately go into a 10-day silent meditation retreat. A launch is typically a time of heightened activity — there are people to connect with, posts to write, and things to do. It is a time to be out in the light — the limelight, that is. The goal of a launch is typically visibility (and sales), so sharing is the name of the game. It’s a time of “Hey! Look at this; I made a thing!” For most creators, launches are very strategic — the timing needs to be just right, the emails and posts are pre-designed, and a list of launch supporters (aka creative friends) ready to spread the good word.

There is energy, adrenaline, and excitement when you share a creative act with the world. It’s your creative baby, and you want others to love it as much as you do. Yet, this can breed expectation, fear, and neurotic behavior. Between posting on social media and refreshing the revenue page (aka getting a rollercoaster of dopamine hits), a project launch is an all-consuming experience. Especially when you feel attached to the results. Historically, my launch behavior would go something like this: launch → panic → hide (🚀 → 😰 → 🙈).

Hiding for me meant walking away from the project entirely and avoiding my social media (or whatever promotional channels I was launching on) for weeks or months at a time. This ‘launch-then-hide’ behavior helped me identify my creative dysregulation almost three years ago when I first shared Wild on Purpose as a podcast. This experience in the summer of 2021 is what began my exploration of the term that would now become the topic of my first book.

During my latest launch, I was gifted an entirely different experience. The exact day I published Creative Dysregulation: Why Your Creativity is Chaotic & What to Do About It, I went into a 10-day silent meditation retreat. Instead of ten days of strategic promotion, I unplugged from the world and sat on a cushion 🧘🏻‍♀️ I replaced ‘strategy’ with ‘surrender.’ This was not an intentional decision per se; it’s just how the cookie crumbled after I said yes to the 5-day publishing challenge. Had this book challenge come into my life after the retreat, I would’ve definitely gone into my old neurotic launch behaviors. Ironically, becoming creatively dysregulated in the process.

The inability to promote my own book was a blessing in disguise. As articulated in the Bhagavad Gita, a 2,000-year-old Hindu scripture that is part of the Indian epic Mahabharata,

"You have the right to work only but never to its fruits. Let not the fruits of action be your motive, nor let your attachment be to inaction."

In translation, one should focus on one's actions or duties without attachment to the results or outcomes of those actions. By being detached from outcomes, we can focus on next efforts as opposed to the benefits, rewards, or success that may come (or not come) from those efforts.

More simply, focus on your work and let go of the rest.

As I put all my devices on airplane mode, I surrendered the book launch. My work was done for the time being. Like opening my palms and letting a book-shaped butterfly flap its rainbow wings into the sky, I let the project go 🦋

What transpired during those ten days for me and what was happening out in the world was very different. I’ll share my experience first.

At Hridaya Yoga, our days were a consistent flow of meditation practice, Hatha Yoga, spiritual lectures, meal times, and rest. We do not talk, nor are we supposed to look at anyone. We are encouraged to wear an eye mask while practicing and either sunglasses or a gently cracked eye mask while eating and walking around. The goal is to internalize your experience and go as inward as possible. My experiences ranged from mundane looping conversations in my mind to feeling overwhelmed by love and bliss. Most of the time, I was just a regular, somewhat sweaty human, practicing becoming the witness to thoughts without getting attached.

As you can imagine, I thought about the book a lot. The thoughts ranged from critical and embarrassing to fantasies of insane success.

I imagined people laughing and scoffing at this joke of a book (who writes and publishes a book in five days? No, really? It clearly can’t be good) while thinking about all the parts of the book that I wished were different. I thought about the ending and how awful and random it is and judged myself for telling the story of smoking a joint earlier this year (you’re not a good role model, Kelly). I witnessed the assumption that it’d be a complete flop and that everyone who purchased would be disappointed and refuse to try the final version later this year. These thoughts represented the doubtful, critical, and shaming parts of myself. As they arose, they didn’t surprise me. I knew them well.

But I also knew their counterparts well: the ego-inflating thoughts that positioned my creation for supernatural success. I watched as fantasies unfolded about a Tim Ferriss-like human sharing my book and selling millions of copies, bringing the modest $4.99 price tag to an alarming multi-million dollar takehome. Not to mention, an urgent email with a multi-6-figure book deal from a major publisher; so impressed by my story and ability to publish greatness in such a short period, wanting to be the first publisher to represent this impressive underdog. Next stop, a Netflix series about the journey of creativity and a sold-out book tour to exciting cities around the world with fancy antique bookshops. These thoughts, how familiar they also felt. Reminding me of my parts that desire big success, wealth, and a quick win.

I was fortunate that I could not take action on any of these thoughts. Had I believed any of them, I most likely would’ve done something silly within the launch process. Instead, I did as all meditators attempt to do — I just witnessed and allowed them to move along. I noticed when I was hooked like Velcro to a particularly juicy and emotionally-laden one while caught in a fantasy of failure or success. Then, gently bringing my awareness back to the present moment — Right! I’m in a meditation hall with 100 people in Mexico meditating and breathing. That is all that is happening right now. Inhale. Exhale.

To have no idea what was going on with the book helped me find a new level of healthy detachment from my creations. Through a process called “sublimation” — transforming energy from a lower form to a higher, more constructive form — I could turn anxiety, fear, doubt, shame, clinging, attachment, hope, and anticipation into energetic fuel for breakthroughs in consciousness. Not always, but enough times for it to be constructive. Periodically replacing egoic games with the expanded awareness that I am not this body, nor this personality, and certainly not these thoughts. The result was a sense of peace and acceptance with whatever was unfolding out in the world and a healthy detachment from any activity within my mind and emotions.

By the end of the retreat, I felt refreshingly (yet strangely) neutral about the book. A helpful stance as I came back into the reality of what unfolded.

~~~

First off, neither my ego-deflating or inflating thoughts were the truth. As they hardly ever are. What happened was somewhere modestly in between everybody hating the book and becoming an overnight book prodigy.

While away, a handful of beautiful humans shared the book with their audiences (I did not ask them to do this). A momentum had developed, and there was excitement about the book creation story (the 5-day challenge) and resonance with the book topic itself. It has sold 340 copies so far and has a 4.8 ⭐️ rating on Amazon across 12 reviews. Here are a few highlights & celebrations:

The book was #3 next to these heavy hitters within 24 hours of publishing (this rating is now #196. But hey! It was a real moment in time)

Kind words from real people…

An epic reflection on creative dysregulation and how it applies to fitness from Sam Sager at TheRipple:

In summary, I’ve learned the best launch strategy is this: do good work, share your story, surround yourself with other creative friends, and let go of all expectations.

The timing of the 5-day challenge, quickly followed by the 10-day meditation retreat, was a healing balm for my “launch-then-hide” pattern. By getting out of the way, magic was able to unfold. I now choose to believe in the power of a single creative choice.

~~~

If you’d like to support this work, V1 of Creative Dysregulation is available on Amazon (you do not need a Kindle). If you’ve read it, please consider leaving a review.

Next week, I will begin writing the finished print and audio-worthy version. I expect this to be released in May 2024. Here we go!