Changes are afoot. Internally and externally. In short, Wild on Purpose and my focus on Substack are trending toward retirement.
In this ever-evolving landscape of the internet, to build a business in the digital realm requires a lot of experimentation. And an incredible amount of self-knowledge. For me, the two have gone hand-in-hand. Try things online, see how they feel, learn about myself, make changes. It sounds simple, but I’ve gotten really hung up on the ‘make changes’ bit since it’s pretty scary to pivot in public. Somewhere along my journey I picked up the story that in order to be successful, I needed to be one thing.
Naively, when I started this online business adventure over ten years ago by taking B-School with Marie Forleo, I thought I’d land on my perfect concept and be ready to skyrocket within months. Fast forward to today and I look back on that bright-eyed version of me who wanted to be the “female Tim Ferriss” with tender humility. Turns out, creating anything online would be one of my most potent arenas for self-growth. The sheer amount of insecurity, overwhelm, and creative doubt that would emerge in this space was immense. So much so that I gave up on this game multiple times (and always came back too).
This morning as I got in my car, I had the thought that “wow, we’ve only been doing this internet thing full-time since the mid-2000s, no wonder I haven’t known what to do here. It’s literally not a part of us yet.” Humans as digital beings is still insanely early, and depending on when you were born, it’s either more or less a part of your modern makeup. I asked ChatGPT to tell me what percentage of human existence has experienced the internet and it came back with 0.018% 🤯
As a late-Millennial of ‘89, I have the good fortune of remembering days without the internet or at least very slow dial up. I remember grabbing my moms Palm Pilot to play Snake and using our desktop to draw stars in Microsoft Paint. And that horrific noise that dial-up would make as the computer tried finding the connection.
Straddling the generation between non-techies and full-techies has been an interesting experience. It’s been like having one foot in the world of ‘Little House on the Prairie’ and one foot in the world of ‘Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century’ (to date myself a little more). A part of me remembers and longs for the simplicity of non-tech life — where the people who knew I existed were the people I’ve physically met. Yet another part of me loves innovation, computers and is fully on-board with AI (and all my digital connections).
These two paradigms often feel like the metaphorical tug-o-war of my whole life: simplicity, anonymity, and calm versus complexity, visibility, and excitement. I literally experience this tug every single day, week and month. There are hours and days where I love showing up here, engaging fully and initiating new projects. Then there are other times where I want nothing to do with it and instead re-pot my plants, learn to embroider, and find a IRL human to hug 🪴
To build an online business when a part of you isn’t fully in consent with the online world is…hard, slow, and weird. So why do I keep coming back to build a business here? ::sigh::
My immediate answer are all the obvious ones: lifestyle freedom, scalable passive income, time sovereignty, etc. These are all very important to me as someone who needs lots of rest breaks and has proven to be an unemployable human. But there’s something more. Something deeper.
In a strange masochistic way, I crave the uncomfortable growth that comes with online entrepreneurship. Living at the edge of my insecurity and self-doubt has led to some of the greatest breakthroughs of my life. I’ll even go as far as to say that the attempts to build online have been healing medicine for the particular woundings I carry— woundings around self-empowerment, expression, worthiness and rejection. As I keep coming back here to share myself, I have gradually learned that it is safe to be me, to be seen, and to follow my creative impulses. I already feel these things within my marriage and close friends, but to feel these on a highly visible stage like the internet is an entirely different playing field internally.
I speculate that the non-obvious, underlying benefit most online entrepreneurs (who build a business around their personality and personal interests) are receiving is validation for their authentic self. An essential piece to being a whole, thriving, and healthy human as per Dr. Gabor Maté in Authenticity vs. Attachment. To be seen by hundreds or thousands if not millions of people in your expression will either lead a person to disassociate and create a persona they can hide behind or heal the deepest parts of authenticity and attachment woundings. If the latter, I believe a person can feel truly liberated and free to be themselves anywhere, even if that version of self changes. As it will inevitably do.
So as the tectonic plates beneath my feet begin to shake, I feel the all-too familiar feeling that change is coming. Only this time, I welcome it. In the aftermath of publishing my first book (and in the process of re-writing it), a new level of self-knowledge has landed. As well as new levels of comfortability, freedom, and desire to express myself authentically. Which is where the ‘retirement’ piece comes back in from above.
Wild on Purpose has served as a potent outlet for me to explore the edges of my expression online since it’s inception in July 2021. Across podcasting and writing, this space has helped me step toward the ‘tender edge’ of self-expression in ways that I long desired. However, it has very much been a passion project, not an online business. And one that has taken quite a lot of time. Although I love sharing the written word and my voice, there is still more that wants to come through. More expression and more intentionality for supporting myself and my family.
When I’m radically honest with myself, I acknowledge that writing and podcasting do not fill my creative cups the way they once did. In fact, I now find them to be more cup-draining than filling. What this 5x Gemini (and 20-year former stage performer) longs for is a place for my whole body and essence to radiate through. For the first time in this undulating online adventure, I desire to express through video. To share more of myself with the world in ways that writing and voice cannot convey. I also have reasons to believe that video is a more effective medium for building a viable online business now.
And since I am a creature who needs a lot of rest time, I know I cannot do it all. To say ‘yes’ to video (i.e. YouTube) is to pivot away from an emphasis on writing. Much like it takes hours to write a newsletter, it will take many more to produce a quality video. It will also take greater versatility in skillsets and a deeper level of self-acceptance. It’s funny, I believe I’m ready for expressing on video because I’ve attained a new depth of self-love. They don’t typically teach “content creation as a portal to self-love” in online business courses, but I genuinely think that’s what it is. Or at least, what it can be.
There’s more to share here about my process. Most notably how starting a family in the next 1-2 years is helping me to refine my focus, become more strategic with my time and energy, and think about the long game. Especially how I’m now relating to online business, content creation, and generating meaningful, feel-good money. But I’ll save that for a later post video.
For now, know that I’m going to be a little quiet around here while I glide and shift along with these tectonic plates. While I listen to where the creative muse is taking me next and to learn the many things necessary to fully embrace video 📹
To come along for the ride and be an early subscriber to my YouTube channel, check out my unscripted welcome video below 👇
“To build an online business when a part of you isn’t fully in consent with the online world is…hard, slow, and weird.” Thank you for these words. I’m feeling it too and it helps me feel a bit more normal ;)