Kelly, you have tapped into the deepest parts I'm ashamed are held in my head and heart.
I came here today after someone shared the book in Paul's community, have just ordered the book (and waiting for the e-delivery) so thought to peruse your newsletter. I am so very much in creative dysregulation right now, and have been here for much of the decade. I closed a three-year successful online creative business in 2011 that could have easily pivoted in hindsight, and have never really recovered from the shame, the criticism - especially the biological family reactions to sharing stories of my lived experience - and the disappointment in myself. I took away that same message: "I want to share, and āIām badā when I do". My reaction was to self-censor and adopt ways of working, being and doing that are so totally not me: quiet, approvable and 'normal'.
I have not merely a calling but the deepest of yearning to write, create and share again, with all these up-in-the-air projects that don't have legs. Thank you for giving a name to this sense of being! I'm not sure what to do with it right now but to sit with your words and digest.
Hi Kate! Thank you for your comment. I resonate so deeply with your story ā the shame and criticism, negative family reactions, the "be good and normal" story, and the post-business collapse. It sounds like you've been on a really big journey but that something is coming alive in you again. Although I don't know much about you, the fact that you're named 'Wickedly Brilliant' on here tells me that you're plugged into something more truthful, alive, and fun than those other stories. So, keep following that brilliance! Xx
Kelly Iām glad I came across this post. Iāve been experiencing what you call creative desregulaciĆ³n for the better part of ten years. Itās incredibly hard to feel the calling to share and not be doing it. It brings to mind the mustard in Mary Oliverās Of Power and Time. I am glad you have put a name to this issue.
Hello Emily! Thank you for your kind words. It seems like putting this name to the experience has been helpful to many people. You are definitely not alone! (I've been walking the dysregulation path with you for about the same length of time).
I just looked up the Mary Oliver reference and love it so much (no surprise there as Mary is just the best):
Creative work needs solitude. It needs concentration, without interruptions. It needs the whole sky to fly in, and no eye watching until it comes to that certainty which it aspires to, but does not necessarily have at once. Privacy, then. A place apart-a pace, to chew pencils, to scribble and erase and scribble again.
But just as often, if not more often, the interruption comes not from another but from the self itself, or some other self within the self, that whistles and pounds upon the door panels and tosses itself, splashing, into the pond of meditation. And What does it have to say? That you must phone the dentist,that you are out of mustard, that your uncle Stanleyās birthday is two weeks hence. You react, of course. Then you return to your work, only to find that the imps of idea have fled back into the mist.
MUSTARD! WE MUST GET MORE MUSTARD! I often experience those thoughts as "I need one more bite of chocolate and THEN I can begin my creative work." š
Whenever I'm able to catch myself doings those things that I do, I say "I'm onto myself!" and give myself a hug, then get back to work (or go get the bite of chocolate AND still get back to work). Such a journey!
Sending blessings to you on your creative adventure š ā¤ļø āØ
Thank you Shahar! I hit a little 'turbulence pocket' of a vulnerability hangover after writing this post and then hugged myself so I could carry on. Haha š¤
Dear Kelly, I just bumped into your writings today as I was organizing my own subscriptions here. You have perfectly described this strange kind of "disease" that I suffer from. Which by the way explains why I haven't written a single word in my substack yet. Except a short bio. And even that was painful. Since a child I wanted to be a writer. But then life happened. Marriage, mom of 2 neurodivergent boys, divorce, single mom with full time job and a lot of post poned dreams in my pocket. To add to that, I am very selfcritical, selfconscious of judgement and criticism from my very "normal" family and also a very very curious multipotentialite, with too many interests and usually involved in more creative projects than I can handle. For some years I kept a blog, as a way to encourage me to share what I wrote regularly, which I ended up deleting, after I was shamed by the man who had just become my second husband, about exposing myself. Of course that marriage didn't last long. But what still lasts is my longtime insecurity and self questioning about expressing myself. Afterall there are so many great books I want to read. Why should I get into so much trouble because I want to write too? Is this just a fantasy from childhood? Why does it still last? Why haven't I grown out of it? This year, at 53, I decided to take a year off from the full time working life, and just process this creative mess inside of me. Don't ask me how it's going.. I could start a book about it... haha... Anyway, now I am curious to read yours!
Kelly, you have tapped into the deepest parts I'm ashamed are held in my head and heart.
I came here today after someone shared the book in Paul's community, have just ordered the book (and waiting for the e-delivery) so thought to peruse your newsletter. I am so very much in creative dysregulation right now, and have been here for much of the decade. I closed a three-year successful online creative business in 2011 that could have easily pivoted in hindsight, and have never really recovered from the shame, the criticism - especially the biological family reactions to sharing stories of my lived experience - and the disappointment in myself. I took away that same message: "I want to share, and āIām badā when I do". My reaction was to self-censor and adopt ways of working, being and doing that are so totally not me: quiet, approvable and 'normal'.
I have not merely a calling but the deepest of yearning to write, create and share again, with all these up-in-the-air projects that don't have legs. Thank you for giving a name to this sense of being! I'm not sure what to do with it right now but to sit with your words and digest.
Hi Kate! Thank you for your comment. I resonate so deeply with your story ā the shame and criticism, negative family reactions, the "be good and normal" story, and the post-business collapse. It sounds like you've been on a really big journey but that something is coming alive in you again. Although I don't know much about you, the fact that you're named 'Wickedly Brilliant' on here tells me that you're plugged into something more truthful, alive, and fun than those other stories. So, keep following that brilliance! Xx
Kelly Iām glad I came across this post. Iāve been experiencing what you call creative desregulaciĆ³n for the better part of ten years. Itās incredibly hard to feel the calling to share and not be doing it. It brings to mind the mustard in Mary Oliverās Of Power and Time. I am glad you have put a name to this issue.
Hello Emily! Thank you for your kind words. It seems like putting this name to the experience has been helpful to many people. You are definitely not alone! (I've been walking the dysregulation path with you for about the same length of time).
I just looked up the Mary Oliver reference and love it so much (no surprise there as Mary is just the best):
Creative work needs solitude. It needs concentration, without interruptions. It needs the whole sky to fly in, and no eye watching until it comes to that certainty which it aspires to, but does not necessarily have at once. Privacy, then. A place apart-a pace, to chew pencils, to scribble and erase and scribble again.
But just as often, if not more often, the interruption comes not from another but from the self itself, or some other self within the self, that whistles and pounds upon the door panels and tosses itself, splashing, into the pond of meditation. And What does it have to say? That you must phone the dentist,that you are out of mustard, that your uncle Stanleyās birthday is two weeks hence. You react, of course. Then you return to your work, only to find that the imps of idea have fled back into the mist.
MUSTARD! WE MUST GET MORE MUSTARD! I often experience those thoughts as "I need one more bite of chocolate and THEN I can begin my creative work." š
Whenever I'm able to catch myself doings those things that I do, I say "I'm onto myself!" and give myself a hug, then get back to work (or go get the bite of chocolate AND still get back to work). Such a journey!
Sending blessings to you on your creative adventure š ā¤ļø āØ
Lol! Thank you for your heartfelt response. Itās nice to be among kindred spirits. Glad you are writing about this topic, itās a real thing:)
Fantastic stuff, Kelly. Absolutely yes on the creative dysregulation! Appreciate all the elements of your story here.
Thank you Shahar! I hit a little 'turbulence pocket' of a vulnerability hangover after writing this post and then hugged myself so I could carry on. Haha š¤
Dear Kelly, I just bumped into your writings today as I was organizing my own subscriptions here. You have perfectly described this strange kind of "disease" that I suffer from. Which by the way explains why I haven't written a single word in my substack yet. Except a short bio. And even that was painful. Since a child I wanted to be a writer. But then life happened. Marriage, mom of 2 neurodivergent boys, divorce, single mom with full time job and a lot of post poned dreams in my pocket. To add to that, I am very selfcritical, selfconscious of judgement and criticism from my very "normal" family and also a very very curious multipotentialite, with too many interests and usually involved in more creative projects than I can handle. For some years I kept a blog, as a way to encourage me to share what I wrote regularly, which I ended up deleting, after I was shamed by the man who had just become my second husband, about exposing myself. Of course that marriage didn't last long. But what still lasts is my longtime insecurity and self questioning about expressing myself. Afterall there are so many great books I want to read. Why should I get into so much trouble because I want to write too? Is this just a fantasy from childhood? Why does it still last? Why haven't I grown out of it? This year, at 53, I decided to take a year off from the full time working life, and just process this creative mess inside of me. Don't ask me how it's going.. I could start a book about it... haha... Anyway, now I am curious to read yours!