Welcome the Creative Dragons Within

Plus, I'm giving my book away to everyone 📖

This week, I begin working on V2 of Creative Dysregulation: Why Your Creativity is Chaotic & What to Do About It. This next (and final) version will be available in print and on Audible sometime in May. I have many pages of notes, edits, and additions, but I also will ensure the book is still under two hours. Because efficiency is my love language, and you have things to create. To celebrate the next chapter of this project, I’m giving away endless copies for the next five days.

Pick up a PDF and EPUB version for $0 by clicking here. Spread the word.

For today’s writing, you can read or listen to my voiceover (easiest in the Substack App). There are a few freestyle additions in the voiceover.

"Creativity is contagious, pass it on." - Albert Einstein

It’s an overcast morning in Boulder, and as I sit at my desk typing with fingerless gloves, I’m reminded of my home turf, the misty coastal lands of Northern California. Feeling nostalgic for my place of origin, I remember how far I’ve come in my creative journey. Just last week, I told the women in my Artist’s Way group (this is my second round with the 12-step creative recovery book) about one of the first blows I took to my creative confidence in the formative time of 4th grade.

At Sandpiper Elementary School (named after the cute, fast-footed coastal bird), I learned the delicate dance between being yourself and having friends. Fourth grade is a weird time, especially for girls. Our breasts are starting to appear, we get an initial growth spurt that towers most of us above the boys, and we learn that some people are cooler, prettier, and more talented than others (or at least, they appear as such).

In my class was a young replica of Cindy Crawford (the supermodel). Born in one of the Carolinas, Christy’s charming southern accent made her an anomaly on the West Coast. And despite our collective growth spurts, she remained petitely shorter than the best-looking boys. Her perfectly placed mole above her lip complemented her impeccable fashion and hairstyles. She was my friend, but I was afraid and envious of her. Christy came from a family that could afford the trendiest clothes, and I always knew when she wore outfits from Zūtopia — one of the first tween girl fashion lines that preceded Limited Too and Forever 21.

The day Christy wore the dragon jeans, I found myself painfully situated between ‘being myself’ and ‘having friends.’

These bell-bottom jeans were everything. On the bottom cuffs was a band of magenta velvet fabric embroidered with gold dragons. Please pause for a moment and imagine them: Flowy bell-bottom jeans, magenta velvet cuffs, golden embroidered dragons. Simply exquisite.

I wanted them. I wanted them more than any other item of clothing I had ever seen. The next time my mom and I ventured to the Hillsdale Shopping Mall, I dragged her into Zūtopia and stared at the jeans. But despite my longing for them, I knew buying them would break the ‘girl code.’

Where I grew up, you did not buy the same clothes as your friends. Whoever got it first had full ownership of it. Owning the same outfit would be a social death sentence, and Christy always threw the best slumber parties. I wasn’t sure if it was worth the risk of being uninvited.

But desire is a funny thing — it nags at you until you either give into it or sublimate the energy. At 34 years old, I know how to do the latter— liberating the energy of desire into pure energy that’s not attached to any object. But at ten years old, I was a “mine! mine! mine!” machine. I couldn’t not have the velvet-embroidered-dragon-jeans. They were the perfect fashionable expression of my ultimate tween self. Whatever social points I lost by being taller than the boys and one of the smarty pants in class, I’d for sure be one of the coolest by wearing these pants.

My mom (bless her heart) bought them for me on a Saturday, and I wore them to school on that Monday. I was both excited about how awesome I’d feel in these pants and nervous about how Christy would react. As I walked into Mr. Kiani’s class with my dragon pants and dark blue corduroy Jansport backpack, the absolute worst-case scenario unfolded. Christy was also wearing the dragon pants that day.

My gut sank into the bottom of the bells. I might as well have fed those golden dragons with my entire existence. If I could’ve crawled into the pants and died right then and there, I would have.

Christy looked at me, down at the jeans, and back up at me, and then walked away. I was done for, and these pants were to blame. I don’t remember anything else from that day. Lodged in my subconscious and relegated to the shadows of my identity, I only remember how much I loved those jeans and how I never wore them again.

Something broke inside of me that day and a story was born: You are not allowed to express yourself the way you want to. There are consequences, people will leave you, and you will be banished from the group.

What began as an innocent 10-year-old girl just wanting to rock a cool pair of pants turned into a belief that would take 20-something years to excavate. It might seem benign, but as I’ve looked deeply into my creative dysregulation, I have found that when left unchecked, these types of moments define our creative empowerment for the rest of our lives. As adults desiring to create, we must reflect on our childhood and identify where our unique, creative expression was injured.

In my book, I identified eight core areas that impact our ability to create sustainably and easily. They are Mental, Emotional, Physical, Motivational, Logistical, Identity, Inherited, and Spiritual.

My story today highlights Identity (with Emotional & Motivational residues).

Twenty-four years ago, long-legged gangly flat bangs Kelly decided that she was not allowed to express herself creatively through fashion. She chose being accepted by others as more important than staying true to herself. As the years went by, this wound would grow deeper and larger with different yet similar experiences, as if the wound could magnetize compounding situations to make itself more pronounced.

Eventually, the belief that ‘authenticity is dangerous’ became so engrained that I would freeze anytime I created and tried to share my gifts with the world.

Whether it was magenta velvet dragon pants or a heartfelt podcast with real-life storytelling, I constructed an identity that was not allowed to create and be accepted by the group. Feeling like I needed to choose between authenticity and belonging, I’d spent the better part of my adult life struggling to feel either. I didn’t feel authentic nor did I feel like I belonged.

The journey of healing my creative dysregulation brought me face-to-face with my inner dragons (no, not the pretty gold embroidered kind). I had to feel the heartbreak, loneliness, and grief in the ways I self-abandoned as a child…and adult. While gradually re-constructing a more positive identity that could hold the vastness of my authentic expression and know that I belong.

I say it many times in my book, but I believe Creativity is a mirror that shows us where our healing work lives. To bring forth what is within us without experiencing a mental, emotional, physical, or spiritual crisis is a journey of inner work. It is a welcoming home of our many parts—our wounded inner children, the ones who desperately want to belong, and the ones who want to sing out with the fire of 1,000 golden dragons into the night sky.

As I walk this path, I hold this belief in my palms against the breast of my heart: My boundless and unbridled creativity is a gift to myself, others, and the world.

Anything that doesn’t vibe with this belief gets healed and re-integrated. This is the north star. This is the path. And I believe this not only for myself but also for every single human who will ever exist, including you.

I wrote my book to help myself and others truly embody this belief. Far too many creative people are stuck believing that they will not be loved (or safe, or accepted, or welcomed) if they truly shine their light. Some will consciously know they’re limiting themselves, and others will not. No matter what, there is work to be done.

My book is just one possible supportive stepping stone along the path. Perhaps it will help you reclaim whatever your version of the magenta-velvet-golden-embroidered-dragon bell-bottom jeans is—whatever the younger you desperately wanted to share with the world but didn’t.

If you’d like to give the book a try, I’m giving it away for free between today and Saturday. You’ll receive a PDF and EPUB version (which can be added to your Kindle or other digital e-reader device). Despite being written and published in five days, the book has been helping dozens of creatives get unstuck.

"This is one of the most fun reads about creativity I've had in a while!"

“Just finished your book - and loved it. I re-read it again this weekend and did the activity. I've been hiding behind my lack of direction. I'm committing to 100 mini-blogs of just me writing whatever I'm working on. The book sparked the idea - thank you.”

"I'm 67% done. I've read 12 books this year. This is the top 5 so far. This book is just in time for me as it parallels exactly what I'm going through now.”

If any of this resonates with you, know that you are not alone. There is a tribe of people around the world, healing their creative dysregulation one step at a time. Looking and peeling back the layers of why it is they get stuck and what it is that they need to feel safe, emboldened, and empowered in creativity moving forward. I hope you’ll join us on this journey…and no matter what, pull out those pants (literal or metaphorical) that will make you feel larger than life and help you shine your authenticity into the world. Pull them out, put them on, and walk around the world proudly.